Yoga

I never had a thought on diet or fitness. Growing up, I was always lean, and ate whatever my mom cooked. My parents had sweet tooth, they loved fresh baked breads and cakes. But we never eat snacks nor soda drinks. 

In china, even the sweetest cake is about 50%less sugar than a normal donut here. We didn't eat sugary cereal for breakfast with a glass of chocolate milk, nor did we have desert every night after dinner. Desert in my family was a treat. It's a treat for good job on getting an A, or special occasions like birthday, or the bakery with a 50%off sale sign that day. I never had to concern about how much sugar I eat everyday.

When I first came to Canada, I was amazed how sweet the donuts were, and learned that the white stuff on the bakery is called powder sugar. I ate a lot of donuts for the first year in Canada. I was trying to fit in the new Canadian life by copying what my friends were eating at school. A donut and coffee for breakfast, a muffin and tea for lunch, some timbits for late afternoon snack and so on. It was bad. In fact, I gained 10lbs in the first year because of my eating habits.

The second year during my school time, I worked at a school cafe to earn my pocket money, they provided me free lunch if my shift was more than 4 hours a day. The cafe sells a lot food with empty nutritions, such as donuts, chips, cookies (Man, the cookies were as big as a size of pie.),hot dogs, etc. As a freshman in working, I thought it was a great idea to cut down my grocery spending by eating what the cafe provides. I gained another 5 lbs in less than three month. 

One day, I overheard my classmates talking about me behind my back. "Look at her, she gained so much weight. I told you that she can't stay slim in a year." I was hurt. I called my mom and told her that I wanna go home. Of course, I wasn't allowed to go home. I had to suck it up and face the issue myself. 

I started to join the school gym. It was funny that there were so few Asian girls joined in the gym. When I went to the gym first time, I was so surprised to see the girls dress in bras and shorts and simply just sweating on a machine. They look so good, I mean, their abs, arms, legs, etc everything is what I want to have. I started to chat with some girls in my broken English, one girl told me about being vegetarian. I looked at her, and thought I am gonna be a vegetarian, so I can have a body like that. I started to eat a plant based diet. I was in gym 3 to 5 times a week to lose the weight, so I can feel good about myself.  The extra 15 lbs made me self conscious and I tortured myself for having big thighs and butt.

After three month of hard working and eating on a plant based diet, I lost some weight, but my lack of self-love made me mentally unhappy about myself. I didn't know what to do. I thought that I have to accept that I would never ever love my body. I was trapped in my own silly unhappiness.

Time goes by, I had school and work to worry about, and put my body image on the side. I still didn't like how I looked, even though I was back in my normal weight and worked out often. I saw a yoga class post in school, it said "Come to join us to be present, to stretch, and share the energy." I thought it doesn't hurt to try. I signed up. 

After the first class, I was in love. I loved that the teacher tells us to accept our body and who we are. I loved that I can stretch my body in a way that I never could. I loved that I feel completely relaxed after a class and still have energy for the rest of the day. The most important is I loved that I start to like my body again.  Since that first class, yoga is part of my life. I practice it in classes, in studios, and at home. I can't say that yoga brings my confidence back. Confidence relates to many other aspects of my life. But it sure made me learn to self-love. To not judge myself when I see the numbers on the weight scale is higher than last week. To not compare myself to any other people who has a killer body. I now can watch a complete Miss USA show and listen to all the "wow" around me. It makes me appreciate and proud to be a female. I accept the beauty of them and aware the hard work they do to maintain the body. And I accept who I am as now and to inspire me to treat my body the best I can.

I am grateful that I have Yuuki who keeps me to exercise often. When having a dog, you have to go out for walks at least twice a day. He makes me get out of my comfort zone and be active. When I see him doing his morning downward dog pose, it sure brings me in smile and reminds me to practice my daily yoga. 

Me who gained 15lbs

The girl who doesn't like to be photoed because of lack of self-love

Me now

Yuuki and I